Living by the book – experiments

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I recently read an article where Elon Musk says he firmly believes reality is a simulation created by super intelligence. This blew my mind. What if we are just all playing a game? If we are just playing a game, then why don’t we experiment more.

In my search for sparkle, I am trying to figure out how to approach this search. As a self help book junkie, I decided to experiment a bit with my life and just try out some advice. Why not see the world as a game. So I am going to be living by the book, the self help book that is. Every week, I will take some advice and see if it works for me.

I am starting with the book ‘Destination Simple’ by Brooke Mc Alary. It is a lovely book about slowing down. In her book, she speaks about emptying your mind in the form of a braindump in the morning and in the evening. She also spoke about it on her slow your home podcast. This so appealed to me because my head is so full, so I am going to try this for the coming week.

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Finding your voice

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Foto by Jason Roswell (unsplash)

Finding your voice is something special that everyone needs to experience at least once in their life. I used to know who I was and what I stood for, however, somewhere along the way I lost my voice. I became a wife, a career woman, a mom, a …. well let’s just say I was so busy with living life and living up to everyone else’s expectation that I lost my voice.

So I guess this blog is my way to find my voice or well myself again. And find that sparkle that I have always had. How to let go of being perfect? How to let go of wanting to have people like me? How to let go of not disappointing? How to start being me? I don’t have the answers to these questions, but that is  what I want to find out.

How to do this, I have no clue. I am figuring this out as we go. I do know I like to explore life, do experiments, read (a self help book junkie), laugh and well, just try not take myself seriously (that last one will actually be hard work.
So let’s find my voice.

When all you need is rest…..

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Foto by Morre Christophe (unsplash)

I looked at this picture and just thought “wow, this is what I want”: some rest and peace, sleep, lots of sleep, time to be me, time to find me again, time to find my sparkle.

Motherhood is amazing and it is also hard. Once you become a mom, you have to refind your balance: the balance of life, love and who you are. A mother, a partner, a lover, a friend, a career woman,  a neighbor, a …….. however, you are also you. And well, I haven’t found that balance yet. I fell into the trap of becoming a mom and predominantly being the wife and mother, and somewhere out there trying to do something about my career and trying to be a good friend, but ‘me’ does not really exist. I have sacrificed ‘me’ for the greater good, for a clean home, for a home cooked meal, for soothing my babies when they cry, playing with them, feeling as if I have to be on call 24/7 for my family, for my job, for my friends, always feeling guilty about something.

And right now, all I need is rest. If you would ask how my dream day would look like, I would love to check into a luxury hotel, turn off my phone and sleep. Just be in a nice beautiful comfy fluffy bed and not have responsibilities, just let go of the to do lists, of the worry, of the constant on call, just let go and sleep.

So this is me: a 37 year old mom of two, wife, parttime consultant who does not get enough sleep. I have not slept well for it feels like ages… my one year old does not care for sleep or care that mommy and daddy are going insane with waking up three or four times a night. I looked in the mirror today and could not recognize the woman in the mirror. Let alone the lines that have decided not to go away, I see eyes that do not radiate joy. Where did the sparkle go? You know that twinkeling in my eye I always had and the sense that life is beautiful and fun.

So I decided that I am going on a mission to find my sparkle. I don’t know where to search for it or where I will find it, but it has to be out there somewhere or somewhere in me….