You can’t always get what you want

dfcaxbf-p4g-morre-christopheFoto: Morre Christophe  (usplash)

As the rolling stones say: “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes well you might find , you get what you need.”

I had a romantic idea about my first day of my sabbatical life. For the first time in it seems ages, I would have to time for myself. I would just have time to do what I want, which I guess is rest.

Well, things didn’t turn out that way. After a sleepless night, both my kids turned out to be sick. So my day is all about wiping noses, cuddling – lot’s of cuddling, a bit of tv and just hugs and kisses for my babies. It is definitely not the way I saw my first day off, but it was exactly what I needed. It was a simple day full of love. It was the day I needed, because apparently I really needed to slow down, slow down to a stop.

When all you need is rest…..

dfcaxbf-p4g-morre-christophe

Foto by Morre Christophe (unsplash)

I looked at this picture and just thought “wow, this is what I want”: some rest and peace, sleep, lots of sleep, time to be me, time to find me again, time to find my sparkle.

Motherhood is amazing and it is also hard. Once you become a mom, you have to refind your balance: the balance of life, love and who you are. A mother, a partner, a lover, a friend, a career woman,  a neighbor, a …….. however, you are also you. And well, I haven’t found that balance yet. I fell into the trap of becoming a mom and predominantly being the wife and mother, and somewhere out there trying to do something about my career and trying to be a good friend, but ‘me’ does not really exist. I have sacrificed ‘me’ for the greater good, for a clean home, for a home cooked meal, for soothing my babies when they cry, playing with them, feeling as if I have to be on call 24/7 for my family, for my job, for my friends, always feeling guilty about something.

And right now, all I need is rest. If you would ask how my dream day would look like, I would love to check into a luxury hotel, turn off my phone and sleep. Just be in a nice beautiful comfy fluffy bed and not have responsibilities, just let go of the to do lists, of the worry, of the constant on call, just let go and sleep.

So this is me: a 37 year old mom of two, wife, parttime consultant who does not get enough sleep. I have not slept well for it feels like ages… my one year old does not care for sleep or care that mommy and daddy are going insane with waking up three or four times a night. I looked in the mirror today and could not recognize the woman in the mirror. Let alone the lines that have decided not to go away, I see eyes that do not radiate joy. Where did the sparkle go? You know that twinkeling in my eye I always had and the sense that life is beautiful and fun.

So I decided that I am going on a mission to find my sparkle. I don’t know where to search for it or where I will find it, but it has to be out there somewhere or somewhere in me….